Tommy Cooper Jokes 
 
 
Man goes to the docs, with a strawberry growing out of his
head. 
 
Doc says, 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.' 
 
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'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.' 
 
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.' 
 
'Is it common?' 
 
'It's not unusual.' 
 
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A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 
 
'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?' 
 
'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him' 
 
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his
teeth. 
 
Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 
 
'What? Because he's cross-eyed? ' 
 
'No, because he's really heavy' 
 
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Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom! 
 
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So I went to the dentist. 
 
He said 'Say Aaah..' 
 
I said 'Why?' 
 
He said 'My dog's died.' 
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So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and
 said 
'Who's speaking please?' 
 
And a voice said 'You are.' 
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So I rang up my local swimming baths. 
I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' 
 
He said 'It depends where you're calling from.' 
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So I rang up a local building firm, 
I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' 
 
He said 'I'm not stopping you..' 
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So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang
up, and he 
said 'You've been promoted.' 
 
And I swerved. 
 
And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been
promoted again.' 
 
And I swerved again. 
 
He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' 
 
And I went into a tree. 
 
And a policeman came up and said 
 
'What happened to you?' 
And I said 'I careered off the road.' 
 
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So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can
you give 
me a lift?' 

I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for
it.' 
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Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other 
 
'Does this taste funny to you?' 
 
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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery
acid, and 
the other was eating fireworks. 
 
They charged one and let the other one off. 

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You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving
today. 
They left a little note on the windscreen; it said 'Parking
Fine.' 
 
So that was nice. 
 
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A man walked into the doctors, 
The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time' 
The man replied, 'I know I've been ill' 
 
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A man walked into the doctors, 
he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places' 
 
The doctor said, 'well don't go to those places' 
 
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I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. 
He wasn't very happy. 
 
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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I 
couldn't find any. 
 
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I bought some HP sauce the other day. 
It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years. 
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Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at
least one 
of them would have seen it. 
 
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I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid
that he 
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. 
 
He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.' 
 
  --------------------------------------------------------------------- 
 
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. 
 
He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' 
 
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms
off'. 
 
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Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van
covered 
with hundreds and thousands. 
 
Police say that he topped himself. 
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Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning
when a small 
two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. 
 
Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so
far and 
expect that number to climb as digging continues into the
night

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Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast,

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These are real answers from Quiz programs.

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?
Contestant: Homosexuals.
Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.

BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.
Theakston: There's a clue in the title.
Contestant: Leicester.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er. . .
Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor . . .
Contestant: Blimey?
Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . .
Contestant: (Silence.)
Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .
Contestant: Walked?

BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: I don't know.
White: I'll give you some clues. What do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant: Arm.
White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're . .?
Contestant: Strong.
White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant: Louis.
White: Well, there we are then. So, who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra?

THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: Prison or the Conservative Party?
Contestant: The Conservative Party.

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Bamber Gascoigne: What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant: Goosey?

GWR FM, Bristol
Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.

RICHARD AND JUDY (C4))
Q: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
A: Forrest Gump.

LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant: Barcelona.
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I'm sorry; I don't know the names of any countries in Spain.

NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Q: What is the world's largest continent?
A: The Pacific

RICHARD AND JUDY (C4))
Presenter: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant: Er. . .
Presenter: He makes bread. . .
Contestant: Err...
Presenter: He makes cakes . .
Contestant: Kipling Street?

THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre: What was signed to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant: Magna Carta?

BREAKFAST SHOW (RADIO 1)
Chris Moyles: Which 's' is a kind of whale that can grow up to 80 tonnes?
Contestant: Ummm. . .
Moyles: It begins with 's' and rhymes with 'perm'.
Contestant: Shark.

JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant: Well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth. . . er . . . Three?

CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL)
Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna?
Caller: Japan.
Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller: Er . . . Mexico?

PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE)
Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.

DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant: Holland?
Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland? Ireland?
Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel?
Contestant: No.

THE VAULT (ITV)
Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant: Nostalgia.

STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (RADIO 2)
Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loincloth did he play?
Contestant: Jesus

FORT BOYARD (CHALLENGE TV)
Jodie Penfold: Arrange these two groups of letters to form a word - CHED and PIT.
Team: Chedpit.

SIMPLY THE BEST (ITV)
Phil Tufnell: How many Olympic Games have been held?
Contestant: Six.
Tufnell: Higher!
Contestant: Five.

THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson: In traffic, what 'j' is where two roads meet?
Contestant: Jool carriageway?

BIG QUIZ (LBC)
Gary King: Name the funny men who once entertained kings and queens at court.
Contestant: Lepers.

DANNY KELLY SHOW (RADIO WM)
Kelly: Which French Mediterranean town hosts a famous film festival every year?
Contestant: I need a clue.
Kelly: OK. What do beans come in?
Contestant: Cartons?

TALKSPORT
Andy Townsend: How many wheels does a tricycle have?
Caller: Two.
Townsend: The Beatles were known as the Fab...?
Caller: Five.

MAGIC 52 (NORTH-EAST ENGLAND)

Presenter: In what year was President Kennedy assassinated?
Contestant: Erm...
Presenter: Well, let's put it this way - he didn't see 1964.
Contestant: 1965?

FAMILY FORTUNES.
Presenter : Name a bird with a long neck?
Contestant : Naomi Campbell

Presenter : Name a dangerous race?
Contestant :The Arabs

Presenter : Name something that's red?
Contestant : My Nan's Cardigan
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